a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
