Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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