I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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