Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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