i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize