I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
