I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
