I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
