farters have to be the big spoon...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
