my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
