I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
