Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
