I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
