would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
