I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
