A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
