I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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