omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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