bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
