I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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