I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
