Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
