I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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