I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
