I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Everclear isn't food dammit
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
