so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I forget how to act sober
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