when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she peed on how many people?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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