If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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