before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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