Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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