Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize