So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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