People in love make me want to vomit
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
