Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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