i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
