I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
