fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
