You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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