Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
