Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize