Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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