What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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