dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
