Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He shit in the fireplace
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize