I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
