Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
