I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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