Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
