Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
