I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
