I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Randomize
