At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can I color on your dick again?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
