My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So much Jack, so little girl.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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