I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize