last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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