If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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