I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
