I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
