I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize