Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
