and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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