I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
