Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
