he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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