my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My cat gives me a boner
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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