I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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