My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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