You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
