I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
