How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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